It's going to be the new year after a few hours!!! This coming year marks a new year of stress, scoldings, blessings, fun, tears and loads of hard work. 'O' levels coming up in six months. This year I'll try to do my best. Wish me luck!

I feel this overpowering sense of a particular emotion right now. Guilt. Guilt of the deepest and purest kind.

Throughout the year, now that I look back, I've done so many things that I oughtn't. I haven't been a good pupil, I haven't been a good band member, I haven't been a good section leader, I haven't been a good son and worst of all, I haven't been a good friend.

Throughout the year, I wanted to try to get my good results. But I just ended up playing and fooling around and complained of my shitty results.

Throughout the year, I wanted to be a good band member, but only ended up in people disliking me more, shirking me more, hating me more. People's impression of me is bad, and I'm making it worse.

Throughout my short term period as section leader, I haven't been a very good senior and teacher. From what other band members tell me, my section has been rather weak, and I think it's partially my fault. Other sections seem to be progressing along pretty well. Guess I'll just have to improve on my method of teaching.

Throughout the year, I haven't been a good son. I really seemed to have irritated my mom and dad to no end. Pestering them for this, that and the other. Just like a few days ago, pestered them for handphone and they finally got me one. I'm really getting spoilt.

Throughout the year, I haven't been a good friend. I perhaps might not even know the meaning of the phrase 'being a good friend'. Friends who have been nicer to me, like Van and You Shun, I really appreciate it. I don't deserve good friends like them. Even Jun Jie, though I know he doesn't like me, doesn't show it in band, and I can still communicate fairly well with him without much friction. Thanks. Others may show that they don't like Jun Jie, like when they say goodbye, purposely tao him, but it's really friendship that makes them do such things. I want to be a good friend....

Went out with Andrew and Junhong to get the gifts for my seniors today. Hope they like them. I hope Andrew can wrap them up nicely ready for tomorrow.

Then while shopping for our gifts, I saw my primary school friend with her bf. Lolz. Then kept bumping into them wherever I went. Bumped into them in the shop where we bought our gifts and again at the hypermarket. Talk about a small world.

Just found out Nick's gone overseas. Haiz~feel so guilty. Known him for about 10 months, but never actually got to know him well, even though I chatted with him over msn for quite a few times. But he was a pretty good friend, from my point of view. Well, you've got my blessings, pal, wherever you are.

He was kind of quiet in class, and a regular absentee, but he seemed a nice guy and nearly always ready to chat. Soccer freak too. Wonder what out class's soccer team going to do now that their goalkeeper's gone. Duh, get a new one! I'm so dumb. Oh well... just wish that he'd be happy, healthy and cheerful wherever he is.

Haven't been here for ages. Been playing gunbound a lot recently and neglecting my homework, even though it's due in 2 weeks. Hope I'll be able to finish it.

Feeling its impact right now. Mentally, I feel so shunted. So irksome. And I am. Wish school would reopen soon, so that I can once more engross myself in my schoolwork and in a way, numb my brain with the pressure, so that I won't remember all this...temporarily. Doesn't do for others though. I know they still think of me the way they do and I can't do a single damned thing about it. Hate myself for it.

The chalet's over. I didn't go today, cuz last day. Wonder if everything went well. They didn't have the treasure hunt after all. Feeling kinda pissed. After all that we planned for, they didn't have it. And I was still worried about falling sick because of it. The BBQ was a failure, as they couldn't get the fire started, and in the end, they ended up having some kind of potluck. We cooked, fried, boiled and microwaved everything we had, with Sze Ling in charge, and what was the main dish?

Potatoes.

I mean it. French fries, 3 big plates of it. Mashed potatoes, one large bowl of it. Boiled and cubed potatoes. One bowl. Luckily, we still had the other stuff. Chicken wings, coated with honey, microwaved. Delicious. Sliced fish. Marinated with pepper and some other stuff, microwaved. Scrumptious. Sausages and fishballs, boiled. Nice. I think they still had a whole load of other stuff that I haven't mentioned here yet.

On the whole, I'm not really sure if the chalet was a success to everybody. To me, it was kinda boring, here and there, since all those people wanted to do was to gamble. Blackjack, daidee and mahjong.

I could type another 500-word essay here about the chalet here, I guess. But right now, somehow or other, I'm just really not in the mood to do so. I suppose others will take the time to do it in their blogs, I guess. And they could provide it in greater detail, since they stayed overnight, and I didn't.

Coming down with fever, I think. It'd better not be, since I'm going to the band chalet tomorrow. I drinking lots of water today, to try and suppress it, since all the familiar symptoms are coming back. I'd better not fall sick!!! The treasure hunt is counting on me.

She's gone off to Europe. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to her. I know she'll be gone for quite some time and won't be back in time for the chalet. I wanted to pass it to her during the chalet, but I know she won't be coming back in time. I wouldn't mind if she didn't wear it. I just hope that she'd keep it with her.

Speaking of the chalet, it looks really rundown. The place isn't exactly cosy, and it looks kind of creepy. *Shudders.

Just finished about a dozen games of Gunbound. Lolz, poor Wee Chee kept getting hit by me. Just bought a pair of useless goggles costing 20K and now I've got to save up again if I want to buy more Avatar.

Wish I could just delete her from my mind. I know she's getting extremely irritated by me because I tend to look towards her direction far too often. Sometimes on purpose, as I do want to catch a glimpse of her, but sometimes I just happen to look that way. Hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. I cannot and do not want to forget her, but I know I have to, sooner or later. I suppose she'll be erased from my mind as time goes by. I just feel that it's been so unfair to her. I've been blabbing about my feelings for her and I have been so freakingly selfish I've never thought about how she'd feel and whether it'd be unfair to her. I'm not even fit to have feelings for her. But I've got to say this. She has been great to me, both as a friend and as a senior. As a senior, she's taught me so many things and told me so many things that I had never dreamt about. As a friend, she had helped me with my problems and even gave me very good solutions to some of them. If she was unable to solve them, she would provide equally good advice. I really appreciated it.

Today was great. The whole group in charge of games for the chalet sat down and discussed exactly what we wanted to play. They accepted my game! So cool! I adapted it from the game I played in the TAF camp in secondary 1 and put in bits from Survivor as well. Hopefully, this game will hit off with the band members. It's not really what I had in mind, but it's more or less alike, so I'm pretty much ok with it.

I never knew so many people bore grudges against him. And from the way I see it, mine with him seems rather mild. Well, why do I even care? I'll keep out of his way and he'll keep out of mine...I hope.

Lolz, You Shun and I started this Joanna thingy just a couple of days ago and we giggle and laugh everytime I or he says the name. Haha! Then Wei Jie, Guang Liang, Tun Kuang and Zhi Quan all want to know about Joanna but they just don't get it. They keep thinking that when You Shun and I talk about Joanna, it's a third person, but actually it isn't. Oh well, if you guys ever read this, try and guess who we're talking about.

Feeling this horrible sense of emptiness within me now. I'm trying to change myself and while doing so, I'm digging out whatever that was in me. I'm desperate for something to fill me up. I just feel so hollow, so empty. I want to do something constructive, and I hope to do it with my friends, even if it's homework. I hope to start next year as a new person, and totally abandon the side of me that has caused me so much trouble and saddness, and in a way start afresh. I'm really starting to hate and despise myself for who I am...

Today's Istana performance was quite ok. It actually poured after we played "Singin' in the Rain", unlike what Miss Yip said about a slight drizzle. Then on the bus we ate curry puffs. I ate 3! :P I was so hungry then. But after that, while having lunch with Andrew, found that I didn't have much of an appetite.

Good news! I'm getting fatter again. I can actually feel myself expanding like a balloon. But that's good, since I'll be more comfortable to lie on now.

Am I really going to let him affect my relationship with my other friends? Now that I really am trying to change myself, will my old impression on others remain as it was, because his impression of me has not and will not change? I really don't want others to think of me as arrogant and whatnot anymore. I really want to change, and this time, it's really not just talk, I am trying to curb my tongue and my attitude. I need this chance, but will I ever get it? Or have people already given me many chances but I have let them slip past without even knowing so? My relationship with other people have gotten a teensy-weensy bit better and I really hope it doesn't go sour ever again. Yet he's explicitly told me not to ask to join them if I'm not invited and I do know that, but has it ever crossed his mind that I would also like to be around them as well? They're not just your friends...

Fine, so I tried, but since he's not willing, then there's really nothing left for me to do. I'm not going to waste anymore time or effort trying to do it, since I really do turn him off. Just hope there won't be too much friction between us in the organisation of the games. He promises that he won't let personal stuff affect band and school, so I suppose the friction won't be that great I suppose. But, his replies (two) were in a way really hurting to me, bet he really took the time and pleasure to go out of his way to hurt me. But what done is done, cannot be undone, so what the hell. Just chuck to the back of my head and hope it gets buried there for the next 50 years. But I've said it before and I'll still say it again. I would have wanted to be a friend of his and vice versa.

Tomorrow's the Istana performance and the concert's next week. Time has really flown and now that it's here, it all seems to have gone in a flash. Hope my flute and piccolo don't die on me tomorrow. Today, both of them just screwed up on me and I totally freaked out. The same thing had better not happen again tomorrow, or on next Friday for that matter.

I'm starting to feel like Siti. I wish I could hit the rewind button right now. And not just to go back to the beginning of this year, but the beginning of my secondary school years.

I just wish I could make it up to the people who have had the bad luck of knowing me and my attitude. My attitude these few years has been totally rotten, and now that I really realise it, I really want to try my best to change, but this damned tongue of mine just runs away from me and I always say things I deeply regret afterwards. I do want to try to curb my tongue and change my attitude. I do......

Had this really horrible nightmare last night. And of all people I had to have a nightmare about, it had to be her. Really hope whatever that happened in my dream never EVER happens.

Today's sectionals was quite pleasant. One of my juniors managed to get the rough skeleton of two new pieces in about two hours! So happy! :D Then I collected the result slips of the juniors. Imagine my astonishment when I saw the junior who's playing sets music back twenty years got the first in class! But now she's improving, so all in all, I'm quite pleased with my section today. Hopefully, they'll be able to progress at this pace. Then at least I'd be able to answer to my seniors then.

Next week's band is going to clash with the ex-2B1 chalet. Clash two days leh, kaoz. But then again, I guess I'm not really in the position to complain, as lots of other ppl got Maths and stuff which is going to disrupt the chalet as well. And why are we having all of these lessons and stuff? SARS!

Hoping to catch "Looney tunes - back in action" this holidays. "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" won't be coming out till the 4th of June. Still so long...but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait. So it's all talk talk talk now. Whether I'll have the money to actually DO all these things is another issue all together. Haiz~

After what seems like aeons, I finally have my own blog. And it's all thanks to yicher, the person who has single-handedly helped me to make this blog what you see now. Thanks a lot, pal!!!

The 3D1 chalet was simply great. The Aranda country club's executive suite's bedroom is the size of a room in Downtown East. Get the idea? For an executive suite it's two bedrooms AND a living room. Did I mention they have a kitchen as well? So all in all, it definitely was more comfortable over at Aranda.

Three days of chalet passed just like that. It seemed like ages while it lasted, but now that it's over, it all seems to have gone in a flash. Half the time we were awake, we played cards. Blackjack and daidee ruled the many hours of daylight and moonlight then. And here's a word of advice for all those who aspire to play card games in future chalets. Quit while you're on a winning streak while Lady Luck is still smiling at you, otherwise get ready to start distributing sheafs of IOUs to dozens of people. Trust me, I know.

Two more chalets coming up in the next four weeks and the next one is up next week. Hope I'll live to tell the tale. Sheesh.