It's going to be the new year after a few hours!!! This coming year marks a new year of stress, scoldings, blessings, fun, tears and loads of hard work. 'O' levels coming up in six months. This year I'll try to do my best. Wish me luck!

I feel this overpowering sense of a particular emotion right now. Guilt. Guilt of the deepest and purest kind.

Throughout the year, now that I look back, I've done so many things that I oughtn't. I haven't been a good pupil, I haven't been a good band member, I haven't been a good section leader, I haven't been a good son and worst of all, I haven't been a good friend.

Throughout the year, I wanted to try to get my good results. But I just ended up playing and fooling around and complained of my shitty results.

Throughout the year, I wanted to be a good band member, but only ended up in people disliking me more, shirking me more, hating me more. People's impression of me is bad, and I'm making it worse.

Throughout my short term period as section leader, I haven't been a very good senior and teacher. From what other band members tell me, my section has been rather weak, and I think it's partially my fault. Other sections seem to be progressing along pretty well. Guess I'll just have to improve on my method of teaching.

Throughout the year, I haven't been a good son. I really seemed to have irritated my mom and dad to no end. Pestering them for this, that and the other. Just like a few days ago, pestered them for handphone and they finally got me one. I'm really getting spoilt.

Throughout the year, I haven't been a good friend. I perhaps might not even know the meaning of the phrase 'being a good friend'. Friends who have been nicer to me, like Van and You Shun, I really appreciate it. I don't deserve good friends like them. Even Jun Jie, though I know he doesn't like me, doesn't show it in band, and I can still communicate fairly well with him without much friction. Thanks. Others may show that they don't like Jun Jie, like when they say goodbye, purposely tao him, but it's really friendship that makes them do such things. I want to be a good friend....

Went out with Andrew and Junhong to get the gifts for my seniors today. Hope they like them. I hope Andrew can wrap them up nicely ready for tomorrow.

Then while shopping for our gifts, I saw my primary school friend with her bf. Lolz. Then kept bumping into them wherever I went. Bumped into them in the shop where we bought our gifts and again at the hypermarket. Talk about a small world.

Just found out Nick's gone overseas. Haiz~feel so guilty. Known him for about 10 months, but never actually got to know him well, even though I chatted with him over msn for quite a few times. But he was a pretty good friend, from my point of view. Well, you've got my blessings, pal, wherever you are.

He was kind of quiet in class, and a regular absentee, but he seemed a nice guy and nearly always ready to chat. Soccer freak too. Wonder what out class's soccer team going to do now that their goalkeeper's gone. Duh, get a new one! I'm so dumb. Oh well... just wish that he'd be happy, healthy and cheerful wherever he is.

Haven't been here for ages. Been playing gunbound a lot recently and neglecting my homework, even though it's due in 2 weeks. Hope I'll be able to finish it.

Feeling its impact right now. Mentally, I feel so shunted. So irksome. And I am. Wish school would reopen soon, so that I can once more engross myself in my schoolwork and in a way, numb my brain with the pressure, so that I won't remember all this...temporarily. Doesn't do for others though. I know they still think of me the way they do and I can't do a single damned thing about it. Hate myself for it.

The chalet's over. I didn't go today, cuz last day. Wonder if everything went well. They didn't have the treasure hunt after all. Feeling kinda pissed. After all that we planned for, they didn't have it. And I was still worried about falling sick because of it. The BBQ was a failure, as they couldn't get the fire started, and in the end, they ended up having some kind of potluck. We cooked, fried, boiled and microwaved everything we had, with Sze Ling in charge, and what was the main dish?

Potatoes.

I mean it. French fries, 3 big plates of it. Mashed potatoes, one large bowl of it. Boiled and cubed potatoes. One bowl. Luckily, we still had the other stuff. Chicken wings, coated with honey, microwaved. Delicious. Sliced fish. Marinated with pepper and some other stuff, microwaved. Scrumptious. Sausages and fishballs, boiled. Nice. I think they still had a whole load of other stuff that I haven't mentioned here yet.

On the whole, I'm not really sure if the chalet was a success to everybody. To me, it was kinda boring, here and there, since all those people wanted to do was to gamble. Blackjack, daidee and mahjong.

I could type another 500-word essay here about the chalet here, I guess. But right now, somehow or other, I'm just really not in the mood to do so. I suppose others will take the time to do it in their blogs, I guess. And they could provide it in greater detail, since they stayed overnight, and I didn't.

Coming down with fever, I think. It'd better not be, since I'm going to the band chalet tomorrow. I drinking lots of water today, to try and suppress it, since all the familiar symptoms are coming back. I'd better not fall sick!!! The treasure hunt is counting on me.

She's gone off to Europe. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to her. I know she'll be gone for quite some time and won't be back in time for the chalet. I wanted to pass it to her during the chalet, but I know she won't be coming back in time. I wouldn't mind if she didn't wear it. I just hope that she'd keep it with her.

Speaking of the chalet, it looks really rundown. The place isn't exactly cosy, and it looks kind of creepy. *Shudders.

Just finished about a dozen games of Gunbound. Lolz, poor Wee Chee kept getting hit by me. Just bought a pair of useless goggles costing 20K and now I've got to save up again if I want to buy more Avatar.

Wish I could just delete her from my mind. I know she's getting extremely irritated by me because I tend to look towards her direction far too often. Sometimes on purpose, as I do want to catch a glimpse of her, but sometimes I just happen to look that way. Hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. I cannot and do not want to forget her, but I know I have to, sooner or later. I suppose she'll be erased from my mind as time goes by. I just feel that it's been so unfair to her. I've been blabbing about my feelings for her and I have been so freakingly selfish I've never thought about how she'd feel and whether it'd be unfair to her. I'm not even fit to have feelings for her. But I've got to say this. She has been great to me, both as a friend and as a senior. As a senior, she's taught me so many things and told me so many things that I had never dreamt about. As a friend, she had helped me with my problems and even gave me very good solutions to some of them. If she was unable to solve them, she would provide equally good advice. I really appreciated it.