When one training screws up, sure it may be the fault of others. But when two trainings screw up in a row, it's high time to reflect.

Today's training, once again, I felt wasn't too good. I keep barking at the higher management to give me sufficient time to finish my teaching but again, I couldn't complete my teaching. Is it my fault? I really should reflect on that. I could speed up my teaching. But when mixed instructions come from above, I struggle to juggle them and end up feeling stressed out about it. Frustration builds up and so does tension. I'm sorry if I offended you today, Julian. I honestly am. I have a blunt tongue and don't think before I speak, especially when I'm agitated.

But on the other hand, I'm feeling agitated for my participants. If I, as a trainer, fail to speak up for them and teach them properly, then who will? Maybe from next training onwards, I should just hold my peace and do everything in the time that they assign me quietly. Hopefully that'll yield better results.

I'm also cracking my head over how I should bond my C8 together. I still feel that they are very disjointed. I mean, during trainings they can get along quite well with each other but I seldom see them hang around with each other during break. Kinda sad.

I dunno, but all these setbacks have really made me feel that I've failed as a trainer. Is it my perfectionistic nature coming into play again? Me wanting to achieve what I set out for myself in every single area, just like how I am with my studies, and beating myself up about it when I fail to achieve what I set out to achieve.

Found out that one of my ex-students can't make it to sec 5. Really very sad when I heard that. He finally woke up this year and was so determined to make it to sec 5. He really put his heart and soul into his studies and it really breaks my heart to hear that he didn't make it. Especially so when he's already repeated 2 years.

Oddly enough, although I received my results today, which were horrible, since my CAP dropped. But that wasn't the main focus of my problems.

I don't want to burn out......

Had a great time talking crap and bowling with DT today!!!! Or rather, since it's past 2am now, yesterday. Haha. Both P's of DT kept quarreling today, as they do every time they meet. XD Provided excellent entertainment for me and Xuanwei. I completely sucked at today's bowling, which was expected, since I can't remember the last time I bowled. I think it was when I bowled with 4D1 couple of months back. Zzzz.

It also just struck me that I've been going out with so many of my friends but have yet to meet up with my own clique. Haiz. Why is everyone so busy? I wanna go chiong sakae buffet with you all!!!!

My brother had his first Japanese lesson today, which was basically a crash course of simple phrases that might come in useful in Japan, since he's got the good fortune of going to Japan with JJCSB. %*@#%@%@*(%&$(@#%@($!*$(!#%%&!@$#%&!#&$#$ Okok relax, your turn will come. But hearing him mumble through those phrases really made me guffaw unstoppably. I don't mean to look down at what he's learning. In fact, I'm trying to help him with some of the phrases. But I honestly don't see how those phrases are going to come in useful! Lolz... Stuff like "Kore wa nandesuka. (What is this?)" The storekeeper will definitely understand what you say but I'm also definitely certain that you won't understand what the storekeeper will say. XD Probably will end up miming everything to each other. =P I wanna go Japan... T_T

I've become addicted to three things recently. Watching romantic comedies online, pairing up people in my imagination and teasing real life couples. Hahaha. Ok ok, enough with the eye-rolling. I guess all this is to fill up the emotional gap I feel inside me ba. Recently I just finished 1% of anything, which I thought was really time well wasted. XD Eh eh, always remember, time you enjoy wasting is never wasted time! Kim Jung Hwa looks really hot and pairing her up with Kang Dong Won I think makes one of the best on screen couples I've seen so far. As for pairing people up in my imagination, well... Shan't disclose whom I've been pairing up in my head but I think it's really interesting to think about how certain pairs could develop if they had a chance. Oh well, it's my imagination, so I'm free to use it as I wish! =P As for teasing real life couples, I've been taking stabs at Bi Neng and Audrey in my group for the past few trainings. I'm sure they can take it la. Do I envy them? Undeniably and inevitably, yes I do. But envy is where I draw the line. I'm certainly not jealous. Some people don't seem to know the line between envy and jealousy. Envying someone = no intent of damaging or taking away what they have that you yourself desire, while being jealous = some intent of damaging or taking away what they have that you yourself desire. Do I desire a blissful relationship like that? Yes. No doubt about that. Do I have any intention of sabotaging their relationship? No. NOT AT ALL. Lolz. In fact, I really hope that they will go far in their relationship. And from my point of view, I think it's really likely that they will go far. =)

I thought I had my emo streak under control but now, as I'm typing all this out, I can't help but feel a bit emo inside. I really want to fill that emotional gap inside. But I'm sure this feeling will pass......temporarily.

突然好想去放天灯喔。。。

I smiled when I received your morning call this morning. The way you said, "Good morning!" in that sing-song voice of yours. Hope we can really have a nice, long conversation soon. =)

I'm surprised my blog still had 115 readers last month. Wonder if these readers actually stopped by on purpose to check out my blog or just so happened to click on the wrong link. Hahaha. But whatever it is, to all who have stopped by to read my rambles, many thanks to you all! =D

Went out with Zai Wei today for a LONG OVERDUE catch up session. I haven't had the chance to meet up with him since he entered poly and I'm really really REALLY shocked by his level of maturity in his thinking.

To be honest, my impression of him took a down turn when I saw him at the CTSS carnival. Couldn't believe that he had physically become somebody like that. But today, after meeting up with him, I found that I developed a huge sense of respect for him. The Zai Wei I met today looked more like the one I first knew in sec 2 and I can safely say, after all he's been through, he's really grown a lot. Not just physically, mind you, though the physical part is hard to ignore when he's 185 cm tall. XD

But honestly, he's got me thinking about a lot of things. Really. And the best thing is, a large part of what he advised me on regarding my own problems actually tied in quite well with Sensei's guidance that is related to my problems.

I don't emo like mad over relationship problems anymore like I used to but what he told me today really struck a chord in me. Instead of feeling emo and sentimental, why not channel that energy into becoming somebody better? Somebody more desirable to love? Someone who deserves to be loved? These words really struck me today. Not only did Sensei say them, but having a junior point that out to me really made me think a lot. Have I been someone who deserves to be in a relationship? If I'm in a relationship, will I be able to talk to my girlfriend about anything and everything? Will she be interested in what I have to say? Will I have anything interesting to say? What kind of a person am I? What kind of a person do I want to develop into in this relationship? What have I achieved in life? Because of what he's been through, he bothers to think about these questions. Maybe it's time I did too and work to become a better person, someone worthy of being loved.

We also shared a lot of other things today, so won't say it all out here but I do wanna say that I'm surprised we still managed to have a 3 hour long conversation, despite the fact that we haven't seen each other for so many years. The funniest thing was that we only got to know each other through one band practice in secondary school. He stopped coming after that and went into sports and I remember trying so hard to get him to come back to band, but all to no avail. Haha. Those were the days (omg, that makes me sound so old!).

There's Chingay training later!!!!! Looking forward to seeing my participants after 1 whole week of not meeting with them. RAWR! XD

I wanna perform something for my C8 at the next Chingay participants' meeting!!!!!! XD Thanks to NUSWS band camp, I've become super addicted to 那些年... Kudos to Eugene for helping me write out the score!!!! And I wanna perform this for my C8 at the next Chingay participants' meeting, to thank them for being such great participants and also to encourage them to come for the participants' meeting, cuz my group's attendance for it is always very low =( Wonder if I'll be able to have this chance... >.<

And now I'm having some slight withdrawal symptoms after band camp this year. Sadly, I missed the first day but the second and last day made up for it! Had a great time talking cock and stuffing my face at the BBQ on the second night! And I can't believe I actually dared to perform 那些年 during the ensemble performances despite only seeing the score only on the day itself, in bass clef some more. But still, it was an enjoyable performance!!!! =D

Ktv and dinner after that was simply AWESOME!!!!!! I think the ppl who went for ktv with me saw a side of me they've never seen before. HAHA!!! But it was really GREAT FUN!!! And chilling out during dinner with the guys was totally the right choice. The way we ate so much for under $10 was really amazing. That kind of food and atmosphere beats restaurants like Swensens' any day. XD

School without studying is great! XD Hope my holidays don't pass so fast.

I'm proud to say I didn't think of you during band camp at all.

Some stories and endings are cliche but sometimes we don't pause to think about why they are cliche and why they have come to be cliche to us. Isn't it because it's something that we all wish for? When a story doesn't have a happy ending, we feel something's not right, because we always expect everything to turn out the way we expect it to. But when it does, one of the first few things that people say about it is, "It's cliche." We're hard to please.

Had a great time with my dearest C8 participants today, as I always have! =D Although today was unfortunately an indoor training and the attendance was quite poor, we still managed to have a pretty good training! Although I feel I intimidated a few of the YWDs who got posted to my group today during split training. Hope they don't feel traumatized. Hahaha!

I must be crazy to say this but I'm actually excited about next semester, provided I get the modules I want. In addition to my core modules, I wanna read Japanese 5 and Gender Studies! If I really can get that, it means I'll be 60% Arts student and 40% Science student next semester, even though I'm a Chemistry major. Haha. By the looks of what's on IVLE, I think I can safely say Hamasaki Sensei is definitely teaching Japanese 5 next semester like he mentioned during TA class. WOOHOO!!!!! =D And the best thing is, I HAVE NO LAB NEXT SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =DDDD No USELESS lab reports to weigh me down next semester. Totally shuang! XD


Missing you is, thankfully, becoming easier and easier. I no longer think endlessly about you. However, it doesn't mean I don't think about you. I still do, just like during Chingay today. Hope we can have a proper conversation soon, rather than those disjointed sms convos that we used to have.


Sometimes, I really wish I could stop living in the past. I really need to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to relive those times that we had so many months back. Those were really beautiful memories, memories that I really, really treasure. And that's my problem, I indulge in them so much that till now, I still have yet to let go, though I should have, a long time ago.


After gaining the wisdom to see things a short while after SYM ended, I never prayed to be with you, though, in all honesty, that was truly what I wanted. I know that if we were meant to be together, we would have. But I knew, all I wanted was for you to be truly and absolutely happy. And if I'm not the one to be able to help you achieve it, I will accept it. But accepting it and letting go, for me at least, are really two different matters.


I've always wanted nothing but absolute happiness for you. And that's what I've always prayed for you. For you, at this moment, to truly be happy with yourself. You disliking certain things yourself, that are, as declared by SO many people around you, perfectly fine, really breaks my heart. Because you can't seem to see yourself for the beautiful person that you are, inside and out.


They say time heals all. I'm sure I'll eventually be able to let go. What am I holding on for anyway? I also don't know. Haha. But I do know, time will heal. It's just a matter of how much is needed.


And since I seem to be on an emo spree today, I'll let loose everything. I've always wanted to tell you how I truly feel inside, face to face. That episode by Kelvin didn't count. In fact, it really messed me up inside very very badly. You told me that he meant well and that a friend like him is hard to come by. I agree. Totally agree. But it doesn't change how I felt about it after that. And it hurt. Bad.


Sometimes seeing Bi Neng and Audrey together in my group makes me really jealous and Bi Neng coming up to me and asking me if I could pair him up with Audrey or not just now made me smile. They really look very happy and blissful together. I wish I could be in a relationship like that. Wishful thinking TTM! XD


I still miss you.