Sigh... Wld anione out there believe me if I were to say I've finally let go? It's been quite a long time now... Four years... I never knew it could take such a long time to fade... Till now, I still can't bring myself to push down on the 'delete' button... Sigh... But I reli tink I haf let go liaoz... I dun dwell upon it animore... do I?

Ironic, isn't it? My blog background... I guess it just shows something abt mi, doesn't it? Haiz... Like what Sandra Bullock said in Miss Congeniality 2, "I'm carbon-based too..." I act like I dun gif a damn and laugh at myself most of the time... But I really do care... a lot...

I know my tongue also runs away from mi now and den... and i offend ppl unknowingly... sigh... i dun seem to have changed much, have i? my big mouth... my downfall?

I dun even know why I'm suddenly writing all this... Haha... Sudden mood swing, i guess... Frightening, u noe... these mood swings... kinda dangerous at times too, if u can't take full control over them...

I'm talking to myself again... Better curb myself b4 i get locked up in IMH... Haha...

I'm in a really big dilemma right now, and i daresay ppl will wanna bash mi up after they read this entry but i dun care la... jz feel like typin out my prob...

Received posting results 4 days ago... I have always wanted to go to acjc and somehow, wif my fu*ked-up score, I managed to enter acjc. However, I didn't experience the joy I tot I would haf as I have always wanted to enter that jc... My dream jc i guess...

Then came day 1 of orientation... Went to acjc... Met wei jie, mikhail, eugene, kelvin and bao xian... Tot i'd haf a great day... The talks bored mi nearly to tears... The games didn't exactly excite mi... It was during this time that these new thoughts started forming in my mind... Would jj haf been a better place for mi? Wld i b happier there, as i haf bin for the first 3 mths? Judy, my Mehv (OGL) talked a bit with mi... She discussed wif mi abt my prob for a bit of time and went wif mi to Mr. Sim... I requested for an excuse slip to leave early... I went back to jj to obtain an appeal form...just in case... i talked to miss wun for quite some time, as, by a stroke of gd luck, she was on appeal duty, and she went thru my situation quite thoroughly and reli gave her opinion from a totalli neutral pt of view... I decided to give ac and myself a chance...

Day 2 of orientation loomed up in a twinkling of an eye... I did my best to involve myself in the games... The talks before tat again sent the Z monster to attack mi... The games in day 2 were more excitin... Havin known my Phileos, Lissirast (OG group), for a day now makes mi more comfy to communicate wif dem... had more fun in games... spent quite a pleasant time in the cafe wif my Phileos... Talked... Played a few simple games... Laughed... Realised one of my Mehvs' mom ish a jj chem tchr... Still cldn't get tt feelin or anithin similar to wad jj gave mi... Was it the amt of time i spent there? mayb....

I've decided... I'm goin 2 gif myself till monday to decide... I go thru wif the lectures on Monday... Then decide whether I will hand in my appeal form after tat... But even if I do... I noe tt jj ultimately mite nt wana accept mi... Dey oreddy haf 1000 j1s... Lolz... Guess I dun reli stand much of a chance even if I do gif in my appeal form...

Kudos to Miss Wun and Judy for the talks you've had with mi and I reli haf a much clearer picture of what I shld do and expect after what you've both told mi... Thanks a lot...

Hihi... So what am i doing up so early today? To check posting results of course!!! Quite happy wif it... Got into acjc... Finally...

It's still veri early now... Still duno where the majority of the ppl are goin yet... But most of dem are quite happy wif their postings... Potassium hydroxide went back huang cheng... Dunno abt rc and zb.... hope they made it too...

Some things jz nv change, do dey... I dunno y i still do it... Or how they actualli managed to psycho me in2 joinin... but i joined... and i noe i shldnt regret... but some things jz nv do fade... in certain ppl's minds, i guess i'll foreva b the way i haf bin... mayb i appear to b the same as i wuz... but i dare say tt i haf changed... and for the better... jz tt some ppl either cannot or do not wan 2 c the new mi but still choose to blindly follow the perception they had... my perception has changed... tho over a rather long time... but nevertheless... it has changed... is it so difficult to see ppl in a whole new pt of view... but i noe i wun leave... my pride and conscience will stop mi... y shld i let this minority stop mi from wanting and trying to b the better person that i wana b? if i continue to b bothered by it... it'll onli hinder mi... if ppl's pt of view dun wana change... well... ignts... but i'll jz kip goin my way... and do wad i feel is rite for mi... dun wana hold back animore... enuff of tt... ppl can do, say and feel what dey wan... i dun care... unless itz gd for mi of course... but otherwise... i dun gif a damn...

Feeling fuc*ing irritated right now... Wth la... When was the last time i was allowed to truly vent my frustrations outright... Reli feelin totalli fuc*ed up... So it's all right for others la...

You say you allow me to plan it myself, yet you say all that when i do it myself... make up your mind... You jz dun understand mi, do u... i'm sure u've bin in my shoes b4... let's see how wld u lyk to experience wad im feelin now... U JZ DUN UNDERSTAND ME!!! ARGH!!! had to go thru all tt alone and u nv reli knew it, did u... it still haunts mi... at times... he still does pay mi a visit now and den... nice of him, isn't it? now tt i can finally b rid of him, u still wan to restrict mi? u seem to wan a monophobia and claustrophobia double attack dun u?

dun read this... this was typed when the owner of the blog wasn't in the right mood...shoo...